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I Thought I Loved You More Than That

I thought I loved you more than that.

That’s all I can think of when I sin. When I make the same mistake that I’ve already cried and begged for forgiveness for, that’s I can say. It’s all I can feel.

God, I thought I loved you more than that.

How could I sin against you? How could I deliberately disobey you? I wasn’t tempted. I wasn’t fighting a losing battle. Yet, I lost. How could I?

Didn’t I just ask for your forgiveness for this last week? Didn’t I just promise to turn my back on this choice? Didn’t we just have this discussion? I really thought I loved you more than that. I really thought I respected you more than this. I really thought I loved you enough to be obedient.

I don’t understand myself when I sin. The after effects are never worth it. And what I hate is when I have all this Christian logic afterwards. That lets me know that I knew what I was doing and had no business doing it.

After it’s all done, I can think of every reason it shouldn’t have been. I can think of how dishonorable it was. I can think of how unbeneficial it was. I can all too clearly see not only the setbacks, but the hurdles I have placed in front of me as well. And I don’t understand why all that Christian logic doesn’t trump my flesh. I don’t understand why I love God so little to only be obedient to Him when I feel like it. I don’t get how I can turn my back on Him in a moment of weakness that I created for myself.

I don’t get it. How can I love God so little? How can I ignore His commands? How can I turn from Him knowing that He has loved me in spite of the mistakes I have already made?

That’s not right. That’s not fair. It’s sad. It’s unrequited love in its biggest form. I know better. So, why don’t I do better?

Romans 7:15-19 (NLT) 

I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. 

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. 

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