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Life and Death (The Finale)

Do we purposely postpone life?

We know how it goes. School, graduation, work, family, and death.

Are we secretly afraid that the more we achieve the closer we are to death?

Do we postpone life for death?

I’m very much by the books. Ask anybody. But lately I’ve wondered if I put off living.

Have I been so afraid to move forward because I know that forward means I’m moving in the direction towards total adulthood? Am I hesitant because I’m moving towards personal responsibility? Am I seriously postponing my life?

I’ve realized that sometimes we expect certain things and we put off things because it means we’re that much closer. And sometimes we don’t want to be closer. We don’t want to reach that goal because then we will be done with it.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the type of man that I want to marry. And a large part of me says that the things that I want him to have, I have to have. So as I sit to make a list of things I would like to look for, I realize that I continuously put off that list, because some part of me isn’t ready to bring those things to the table myself.

And a part of me knows that when I find this guy, I’m done. My black book is being put up. Past loves are just that. And who I am going to be in my marriage is who I’m going to be. Whether consciously or subconsciously, I put off making that list… Either a part of me feels like I can’t bring what I’m asking for to the table or a part of me knows that once I find this man I have one lifetime goal accomplished, which puts me one step closer to death. Or maybe it’s both of these things.

All this may seem farfetched, but think about it. Don’t people put off graduating because that next step is so serious and final? Don’t people wait to move from home because the responsibility of bills is so real? And I’m sure we’ve all procrastinated some pinnacle step for no other hidden agenda than just not being ready.

Being committed has always been hard for me. I wasn’t going to go do anything crazy, but I wanted the option to be able to without feeling guilty. And now I realize that I just wanted to put off the maturity that comes with a commitment. Not just to a relationship but a job or a project. I am a perfectionist, so any part of me that cannot perfectly perform would rather all of me give up. So that’s what I’d do.

But to postpone life. To wait for perfection… that’s crazy. Here I am 24, and I’m looking at myself. I’ve passed up on so much for fear of rushing my finale. But the truth is, like any good show, the finale has to build up.

And instead of building mine, I’ve bored mine.

Nobody’s going to live my life better than me. I’m not going to get wild and crazy, but I am going to get responsible. Responsible for moving forward. Responsible for success. And responsible for fun.

So, I’m going to live while I’m alive.

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