In these 25 years of life, I’ve realized that there are a lot of things that I don’t have to be. There are a lot of things that I don’t have to put up with either. But for now, let’s focus on what I don’t have to be because I’ve spent probably two decades thinking that I had to be something in particular. I always thought I had to be the unbreakable one. I don’t have to be.
I don’t have to be the toughest one all the time. I don’t have to be the big softie either. It’s OK to not be the tough girl. It’s ok to say my feelings are hurt or that I wasn’t ready for what happened. It’s OK to not have a joke for that tough moment.
I was so used to having the right answer. Even when my grandmother passed my focus was on having the right thing to say when people asked me about it, so that they wouldn’t worry about me. I finally realized, it’s OK to not be the strongest for one moment. It’s OK to not have the right thing to say for one moment.
Man, it’s tough for me. The only reason it’s tough is because I have forced myself to not be OK with simply being OK. Being OK just hadn’t been good enough to me. I needed people to believe that I was OK more than I realized I wasn’t.
But now, I’m having to be much more open than I’m comfortable with. And because of it, people are seeing and relating to me in ways that are OK. I don’t have to know it all or say it all. I don’t have to convince anyone that everything is perfect. I just get to express myself and face the facts.
It’s interesting. It’s definitely foreign. I definitely am not completely comfortable with it. But I definitely have to do it. I have to know that it’s OK not to always be OK. Because the truth is, most of us aren’t.